Depression

I've been depressed for most of my adult life. Diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. The manic episodes are manifest by energy to work for very long periods at a time. I take a project and work straight through. Up all night. The depressive periods are a sudden crash. As a part of my job I teach a lot of classes and seminars. I can be animated while teaching and enjoy interacting with the students. Then the second I walk out of the class I crash into depression. It is sudden and pronounced. I can be doing one of my favorite activities, such as fly-fishing, and the minute I am done and back at the truck, the crash comes. Medication has helped. But the thing that might help the most is better control of my life. People say that happiness is ultimately within one's own control. That is probably true. But it is probably easier for some than others. There is so much that is out of our control that comes into our lives on a regular basis. Those things affect our ability to grasp and hold onto happiness for extended periods. We try to hold onto the rope but we get rope burns from the buffetings. A child who almost dies while doing drugs. A child in trouble with the law. A hard relationship between your spouse and your children, which creates a mood in the house that affects all. A difficult relationship with your spouse who lacks self esteem and who is consistenly focused on self. A spouse who is unreliable. A spouse who is so dependent on you and has no other support system and who is so ill-equipped to deal with hard things that you know you can't let go and you know that you have to be extremely careful to avoid harming an already fragile vision of self. These are the things that can make depression harder to avoid. The things that make happiness harder to hold onto. It's within our control - happy no matter what - but danged if it isn't just too hard some days.